well...tats 1 question tat has been botherin me for quite some time now. everytime i ask myself tat, i just cant seem to convincing answer....:( for the past 2 days, i've been ponderin over the various paths i can take, both career wise and otherwise.....and i've ended up feelin lost. lost in the crowd. lost in nothingness. have a feelin of being sucked into a blackhole of my mind, which is tryin to exterminate the whole existance of me. i am back to the "lonely feelin" state of my mind, inspite of being surrounded by friends...!!!! some souls who scoff when they see this and say "dude, u dont have anythin to worry abt.....got a pretty good aggri and a job at hand....", i'd say...."plz take a 3:16 rite at yr face, its held up high dude....". i am just being torn apart by an idle mind i guess....i cant help it..!!! this stupid mind of mine just comes along everywhere i go...everytime...!!! i've always felt tat one should have a proper sight of the path he's takin....the proper vision......i've had 1 till now. but now, when i am abt to get an engg degree, i am lost.....this aint the first time i've found myself at crossroads....and i know this aint the last. well....guess i'll just act intutively. "Life is just an illusion"
What is Life....????? What are the choices tat we face each and everyday in life??????
And i get an answer from within....it is all an illusion.....!!!
i've started feelin tat we have no choice in life....if we "feel" tat life is full of choices and makin decisions abt them.... we are thinkin wrong....!!!! we are predestined to "choose" one of the many options.....in short....life is an illusion...!!!
as i sit in a dim lit room, staring at the comp, listenin to creed perform with arms wide open , i begin thinkin, contemplating what all hpnd today.......
As i entered the class, she turned toward the board and started writin some crap on it....suddenly the class burst out with the usual tone "Maaaaaaaaaaaaam........." , well c'on....just face it... we all know how boreing engg is..!!! and how the dumb and stupid lecturers can get on to our nerves...!!!! hmmm...even as i write this....i am getting enlightened.....hopefully i'll be able to express whatever i am thinkin rite now in proper words by the end of this blog.....
anyways...as i tried settling down in one of the last benches, the afternoon raaga of my classmates was still goin on......and i promptly joined in...:) for some unknown/uncontrollable reason tat female(lecturer) turned towards me when i joined in the chorus..... i guess she actually saw me talk to gujju abt she givin us attendance and we gettin out of there.....well whatever the reason, i was made to stand up and asked to leave the class.... well....i had mixed reactions, the nervous me was tellin me to shut up and sit (and get tremendously bored) in the class, the adventurous me was askin me to challenge the female and try out watever was gonna be the outcome of it, but finally when i heard my classmates sayin "beda sisya.....dont go, u'll chmma get into trouble" , i guess the reblious me took over....i guess i just wanted to set an example (?) to my class ppl, tat i do have the guts to walk out of the class ( but why...????) when asked to, by some dumb female....and i just did...!!!!
and the rest, like they dont say, can be forgotten.....
well.....as the music changes to illusion by the same artist, i begin to come to a conclusion... ( really???)
was i made to take a choice today ??? or was i actually destined to go out of the class for some stupid (?) reason.....??? did we make the decision tat tat female is as boreing and dumb we 'think' she is?? or is it her destiny tat we are supposed to feel tat way abt her??? did she make a conscious choice of handling our class or was she destined to come to bug us??? was she destined to think tat her problems will go away by sendin me out ??? did tat female actually take a choice of lettin me stay in the class or chose to send me out....??? or is it tat she was destined to get pissed ( for wat we've been doin for 7 sems now) and send me out....??? i am sure tat my classmates would've started the chorus after 10 mins.....(they are destined to do it)...!!!
i guess i am rattling off too much...
Anyways, it is true that life comes up with interesting situations where it seems we have to make a choice........but in reality we are predestined to take one path.........and we take it. But then , for us, it looks like we have a choice..........even if we believe in my version that choice is an illusion, we have to make a choice, though that choice is predestined.
Seems like a paradox ?? It isn't.
Think abt it..
The sun rises to another day My constitution keeps changing 'Til it slips away So I lie awake and stare My mind thinking, just wandering Is anybody there? Should I stay or go Should I sleep or stay awake Am I really happy or is it all Just an illusion Sitting in my room now Hiding thoughts Just hoping one day I'll get out I hear a voice call my name Breaking trance, so silent So I can stay the same Should I stay or go Should I sleep or stay awake Am I really happy or is it all Just an illusion Wait now, many things left unsaid This life remains the same But I change I try to fool myself in believing Things are going to get better But life goes on Should I stay or go Should I sleep or stay awake Am I really happy or is it all Just an illusion
aah....finally...!!! i have a hobby which i can be proud of...!! :)
I was silently rejoicing from the day my sis started pesterin my mom to get her a digi cam.i knew this day would come....!!! i didnt wanna be the one who always makes a secne at home askin for new things....:D i knew my mom wouldnt tell "NO" to my sis. My sis is a pro blackmailer......but paapa, my mom......by the time she realized what was happening....she had already bought a cam for my sis....:)
anyways.....as every other new thing, eventually my sis lost interest in this also....and that is when i got the total liberty to use the cam.......
heheehehehe....actually, the cunning me was also responsible for her to lose interest....i never did teach her the technicalities and various adjustements of the cam....and my sis being a technically challenged female, didnt even bother reading the manual and eventually gave up the cam......into my hands...:D ye...!!!! anyways.....i now proudly own the olympus c-180 digital camera....!!! although its a pretty low end version of the digi cams...its ok...!!! :)
well....me totally addicted to it these days.....next time u ppl, while walkin on the road, or shopping, or driving, or even sneezing see some wierdo takin a pic......it could be ME....:) so watchout...!!! :D It all started when i came across Raghuram's collection, i had heard abt his photography skills from my friends, but didnt know he was this good...!!! i was totally inspired when i chked out his collection and immediately knew tat this was it.....this is what i've been wanting to do for all these years...... (well, for ppl who dont know me.....i've always wanted to play BasketBall, swim, play guitar, be like TheRock, wrestle, be a pilot, what not....!!!) . hopefully i'll stick on to this for a longer time than all the things i've said earlier.....:)
i took some pics here and there for some 2 weeks and was even foolish enuf to publish them on the net (Oh Man....i'd say, this net is the bestest invention ever...!!!!). i even pestered all my friends who were (un)fortunately online at the same time as i was (for yr information....i am usually online for arnd 16 hours a day) and asked them to see those pics and gimme a good review abt them.....many were too sweet to oblige, some were blunt to the core and asked me to "get a life",some laughed, some liked, some even lied....:)
Thanx to Uma , i came across Yogesh's pics.....My God....these are really really amazing..!!!! Me a big fan of his pics now.....should try out the Macro photos tomorrow...:)
hmmm......wanted to blog abt this looooong bak...just didnt find time....:D
anyways....it all began when Khote called up when i was bak home from the aashram and told me abt SANIA MIRZA playin the WTA tourney in B'luru......i was interested the moment i heard abt it.....i wouldnt lose this chance for anything..!!!
anyways.....after getting teased by sis when she found out the real reason y i was so interested in tennis all of a sudden...and the numerous phone calls to my friends tellin them abt the match....we (some friends and me) finally made it to the KSLTA tennis court on 14th Feb at arnd 4 PM
My God...!!! never knew b'luru had such wonderful tennis courts....later i came to know tat each of the 4 courts were renovated just a couple of months bak at the cost of Rs 3 lacs each......a pretty good job though....
lemme cut the crap...... we found the best seats rite in the first row......and waited patiently for the Indians to play.... first came Ankita Bangre....a 16 yr old girl who is the current Indian No.1 rank for under 19 players.....played a real professional game, damn neat serves and god ground shots....she lost to some white female though.....
Being a final yr student helps a lot......we found some junis there in the crowd.....they were kind enuf to get us our free coke and pizza rite to us where we were sittin......if not for them...we had to wait for and half an hour in the looooong queue...thanx guys...:)
finally...!!! lookin cuter than ever....waving at the roaring crowd, she came.....the feeling was like "WOW man.....tats Sania...!!!!" :D
anyways......with her in front of me....just some 15 feet away, how could I be interested in tennis anymore???? how..???!!! i got straight at it....got my cam out of the pouch and started shooting right and left.....just as she smashed her opponent (some Muller female).....my God...what a sight...!!! Sandy with his poster which shouted "BE MY DATE TONITE, LUV U SANIA"....had lost total control of himself....the junis were no less....1 of their posters shouted "I luv u Sania" some mallu kuttys who were sittin behind us were totally pissing us off....but their comments were funny though....some guy kept on tellin the juni "Maneli HeLbittu Bandiddya???" teasing at his poster...
here are some more pics of her....
We were all disappointed when she won the match in straight sets....:(
we just had lost the opportunity to see her play for 1 more set...:p
hehehehe......just remembered what APJ always says to the youth of our country.... "Dream, Dream, Dream. Dreams transform into Thoughts, Thoughs result in action"
All i'd say to him now would be this........ "Sir....I am still dreaming...!!!!"
just wondering what actions will this dream of mine lead to....:D
do we realize how lucky we are...???? the very fact tat u are able to understand and percieve what u are reading now and the fact tat i can write something u can understand is in itself a reason to be thankful....!!!
i had a very humbling experience a couple of days bak.......i was asked to chauffer my sis to one of the leading psychiatry hospitals in the city as she is a doctor. after reachin there, i offered to stay and wait for her to finish her job there. i didnt expect her to take almost 5 hours to come out though....:p
all i could see there in the hospital was hordes of ppl.....of all ages, kids being taken care by their mothers, brothers on wheelchairs pushed my sisters, old ppl looked after by younger ones.... in short ppl who just needed some 1 to take care of them....!!!
i just had to get out of there....fortunately (or unfortunately) i had the presense of mind to get along a book while leaving home.....little did i know tat it'd be a *mother* of all cliche's...!!! the book i took along was called "The Road Less Travelled" by Scott Peck.....i was stuck in a mental hospital and was tryin to read a psychiatry book...!!!!!! i mean....i had the answers to the problems of atleast half the patients there....rite in my hand..!!!! if at all they could read and understand the book.....if at all....!!!
thank God for getting me good friends...coz if it wasnt for 1 such friend....i wouldn't have had the patience to wait for such a long time for my sis to come bak......and thank u nokia and hutch :p i dont wanna take names here....but if u are reading this....THANK U...!!!! moving on......while i waited there, i made friends with the security guard on duty......told me some stories abt the hospital and stuff.....very very sad stories they were..dont wanna talk abt them in here.....just hope tat his kid stops acting wierd...!!:( kids can get influenced a lot by seein things arnd them and the environment in which they grow....the security guard i told abt....his kid has stared to act like a mentally challenged kid it seems....tat too after seein the patients in the hospital.....hope he gets another job after he quits this....
ppl experience some starnge kinda kick by breakin laws i guess....moreover if they themselves are supposed to uphold them...:p the security guard offered me a cig rite in front of the "De-Addiction" center.....me bieng a non-smoker...promptly refused...!!! (pun intended)
all the while i was wondering.....what do these patients think??? does their mind work like ours??? do they feel the warmth and the love of the ppl lookin after them??? do they also feel like reciprocating such feelings??? do they look at US in the same views as we look at them??? will they ever get bak a normal life????
i just hope and pray for them.....at least i do so much...!!!
i know i am being selfish here....but THANK U GOD....!!! thank u for making me the way i am rite now...!!!
ok....i've warned u...!!! continue at yr own risk....
i just happened to come across this and found it damn interesting.......just wondered what i'd answer to these questions...well here goes...:)
Favorite Season: Winter Favorite Sport: Hockey Favorite Time: Dusk Favorite Month: February Favorite Actor: ShahRukh Khan Favorite Actress: Angelina Jolie Favorite Ice Cream: BlackCurrent Favorite Food: Mom's traditional koLambu with rice and chips...yummy!!! Favorite Drink: Coffee Favorite Place: Bengaluru
Current Feeling: Bored Current O/S: Win XP Current Windows Open: Gmail, Win media player, Orkut, Indian Air Force site, This one Current Drink: Buttermilk Current Time: 12:01 AM Current Mobile Used: Nokia 6610 Current Show on TV: Dunno....its switched off Current Thought(s): should i go to coll tomo or not??? y the hell havent i switched on the room light?? where is my specs?? Current Cloth: Black pyjama and a grey sweat shirt
First Nick: Bonda First Kiss: I dont know who kissed first....I was mobbed by a large no. of sexy girls First Crush: When i was in the 4th standard First Computer: IBM 386 with WIN 3.1, it still works!!! First Vehicle I drove: My MTB cycle First Job: Not yet… First Fag: In I pu First Pet: Did not have one First Shave: In 10th Std
Last Chai (Tea) : In the morning Last Movie: Rang De Basanti Last Time I Drove: Today evening....bak from gym Last Dream: Today afternoon...abt the mob of girls :p Last Web Site Visited: Orkut Last Software Installed: Xilinx Last Pill I Had: Crocin
6 Have You Evers:
Have You Ever Broken the Law: Yup Have You Ever Been Drunk: Yup Have You Ever Climbed a Tree: Yup Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: Yup.....if the poster of Anglina Jolie counts :p Have You Ever Been in the of a Gunfire: Yup.....in NCC shooting practise Have You Ever Broken Anyone’s Heart: Don’t know
Things You Can Hear Right Now: The sound of the CPU, some frogs croaking outside, my dad snoring, my sister's cell ringing Things on Your Computer Table: A Photo frame with photos of my sis and me, some books, 2 caps, an overflowing pen stand, lots of papers, TV remote Things on Your Bed: A Scott Peck Book "The Road Less Travelled", cellphone, my specs..!!! bedsheets and a pillow as well :p Things You Ate Today: Parathas, Biriyani, Maggi, Bananas, Potato Chips Things in Mind: Thinkin abt my future plans, contemplating what my friend told abt the life in the armed forces, how do i go abt training for the exams
4 Places You Have Been Today:
College......i wonder why??!!! Petrol Bunk Hotel Gym
3 People You Can Tell Anything To:
Badri Chaddi Bonda Sr.
Black or White: Black Hot or Cold: Cold
1 Thing You Want To Do Before You Die: hmmm.......just wanna be happy in whatever i do....how can any1 expect a proper answer to this question from a guy as cOnFuSeD as i am...??!!!!
i was awakened when my cell started ringing all of a sudden......this was it..!!! i then suddenly realized tat i was 21 now...!!! god knows how many ppl i've teased and reminded them abt their age when they turned 21....it was now my turn at the recieving end.....:(
feels good when ppl do remember u on occations like these even though we feel tat we've wasted 21 yrs of our lives doin nothing...!!!!
after a few hours of sleep.....we left on our 3 hour drive to my dad's native place..... a small village in hassan dist....felt really bad looking at the condition of the road.....how can the authorities responsible do nothing abt such things???? considering half the members in the cabinet rite now are from these very own rural areas....
after the usual hi's and hellos, i dove into the temple wearing full traditional white panche and shalya. there before me...with his wife on his lap....sat our home deity...Sri LakshmiKantha Swami....looking as majestic as ever....fully decorated from top to bottom with fresh flowers ...my god!! an awesome sight to cherish...:) my 2 uncles who were handling the pooje in the temple were relieved to see me there. they said they'd come bak in sometime and asked me and 1 more cousin of mine to handle it in there....
i straight away went to the task........reciting some slokas which i had learnt in school (even though i knew they were not relavent) and doin the aarthi to the Lord....made me proud....!!! proud to be an Iyengar....
well...."sometime" is very relative.....!!! it was arnd noon when i finally came out of the temple...the camphor smoke had made my eyes sore....i wasnt complaining though....:)
i....being considered a successor.....was made to climb to the top of the Ratha.... was expected to continue the pooje there.....to worship the utsava moorthi....little did i know tat there would be a thunder storm of bananas ...!!!! those ppl there....the natives( i am using this term coz they were lookin at us as though we were aliens) there derived some strange kind of fun by hurling bananas at the diety..... but what a disaster....they were very very bad at aiming....!!! my uncle, out of the several 100s thrown at us, was lucky enuf to get away with some 3 bananas finding his face and couple more his head.... but i wasnt this lucky...:( when i came bak after the storm subsided....i looked like i had just finished some dredged task in stick goo (remember fear factor episodes???) ....only this time it was bananas.....ripe ones...:)
hmmmm.......the best part abt the village is the food.....!!! my dad...showing his rebellious nature ditched the food at home and we went to another place known for sankethi food...the sankethis are great cooks and even better.....awesomely generous servers....!!! what a tasty delight it was...!!! the 3 servings of kesri bath just slid down my throat so effortlessly....that too after a lot of other things.....wont get into the details though...:)
i guess dads aways find pleasure in scolding their sons....:) my grandpa went straight at it when my dad and me went bak home.....i just stood and saw the fun......:)
what would be the best thing to do after a tiring morning and an awesome meal....???? Sleep ....!!!!:) the cold cemented floor of the temple with just a jamkhana on it, was too inviting......
it was evening when ppl started waking up.....we all...(my relatives and uncles ,dad and me) decided to go to the river kaveri for an evening swim.....i'd say....the best decision of the day... after almost a 1Km walk in the midst of the paddy fields.....i could see a familiar sight...inviting waters....!!!
the current started to quicken and the sun sarted to go down....it was time we left the place.....the elders said tat it was a dangerous place in the dark....the villagers still do bury the dead near the waters it seems.....well, none of us wanted to question further and we decided to go bak.
after whiling away some more time in the Anjaneya temple (also taken care by my grandpa) i decided to go bak home.....my grandpa seemd alrite when we(my dad esp) finally had the food at home....ev1 was happy...:) after helpin with the arrangements to sleep in the temple......we all decided to call it a day....but alas....little did i know abt the many music directors we had in our family...!!! i heard my uncle sighing "aah....what a day it has been!!!"....made me started contemplating abt it...lying on the temple floor, lookin at the stone pillars and roof....buit over 300 years ago....
the final few sounds i heard before sleep came to me was the snoring of my uncles..... Aaah...what a day it has been....!!!
i tried many names......'iamconfused', 'whatthe' F$$k, 'wassupp', 'bullshit' , hell i even tired 'blurp'....!!!! but...again and again....the same old msg.......
when was the last time u ever created a new mail id.....or a regular user name........??? were u told by the 'supreme' server to use another name coz the one u wanted was already being used by some other jobless person tryin to make his mark in here...in the nothingness of the cyberworld...!!!????
God knows how many more ppl like me.........sitting in a dim lit room, with soreing eyes, at 1:30 in the morning, all alone......tried even more wierder names....jsut to find an identity........to be noticed....in this vast sea...!!!
as the nothingness inside me creeps in......i just like to remind myself......"yes...i am nothing...but just another brick in the wall....."
its actually hard to digest the fact.....me and blogging???!!!!!
actually to be really honest.....i've been blogging for quite some time now...always treasured my blogs as an entry in a diary.....it was more of a search .....a search for an answer....!!!! there u go...now u even have an explaination for the title of the page...:P
its just the start.....and i am already cOnFuSeD....!!!
cOnFuSiOn is the manifestation of different opinions for a problem with a single solution, the phenomenon is caused by the sheer boredom to use our intellectual wisdom, or by sheer frustration of not knowing the better option as the solution.....